Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Red is dead

I took Shannon's test because frankly I haven't posted in a long time and it seemed the right thing to do. I will go see Justin on Sunday so there will be postings then, but in the meantime this will have to do...

REDS are motivated by POWER. They seek productivity and need to look good to others. Simply stated, REDS want their own way. They like to be in the driver's seat and willingly pay the price to be in a leadership role. REDS value whatever gets them ahead in life, whether it be in their careers, school endeavors, or personal life. What REDS value, they get done. They are often workaholics. They will, however, resist doing anything that doesn't interest them
REDS like to be right. They value approval from others for their intelligence and practical approach to life, and want to be respected for it. REDS are confident, proactive, and visionary; but can also be arrogant, selfish, and insensitive. When others interact with you, as a RED you respond to them best if they are precise, factual, direct, AND show no fear

I am red and like two years ago I would have taken pride in that because it takes a red to move up the corporate ladder and it takes a red to make good money and it takes a red to run the world. The funny thing is that I am trying to run full speed away from red. I am part of the way there, though I think I am starting to accept that at some level red is what flows through my veins (not that Shannon has yellow in hers, I think she has red, but you know what I mean). Even if I quit the "real" job to become a teacher, I had to teach at the best school and teach the highest honors level. There's something in my head that expects that I should be wildly successful at everything I do and always have the best opportunities, and in a way there is nothing wrong with that. Heaven knows I am hoping this next journey I am embarking on yields the same results because I do not fail, and I certainly do not do so in front of others. But I think that's the issue, that sometimes I need to fail or at the very least be okay with yielding small things. However, being cognitively aware that I need to occassionally fail is definitely not the same as being okay with failing, and so for today I will continue to count the gold stars I give myself in my head for the countless amazing things I did today...even if part of my journey includes giving out gold stars for the smaller things like showering and swinging in the back yard with the boy.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Write on!

It has been a long time since I posted, and I am sure that everyone has been absolutely devestated. Not much has been going on, but at the same time a whole lot has been going on. I have continued struggling to find out what I want to be when I grow up and feel I may have gotten a little closer. Teaching reading and writing is out, but doing reading and writing is in. I am having a hard time with this, but I have decided that after school ends, I am going to quit my job and try and write professionally.

Now in my head, this sounds ridiculous. I am not sure what it sounds like out loud to anyone else, but everyone has been supportive so far that I find myself able to tell. But the way I tell it is self defeating, like I know how dumb it sounds and so I try to cover it up with "and when that doesn't work I'll start grad school." I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that I do stuff like that because I am afraid to fail in front of everyone and that I need to have the balls to just say "I am going to professionally write" and leave it at that. The upside is that my plan involves Dylan going to school parttime so two extra days a week we can chase butterflies or laugh at farts together and then the other three days I can give this a go. I am telling myself that so far I taken leaps of faith and never fallen on my face once. In fact, I am always amazed at how fate seems to shine on me and give me the best opportunities. I always end up at the right place at the right time, and there is no reason to believe writing can't end up the same way.

Except there are tons of reasons and they chase each other through my mind until I am dizzy and have to lay down. Ugh. The good news is that I've thought about every reason over and over and I am on the other end of it now. This is something I want to do. I see boodles wanting to see their scrap creation on the cover of CK or be on a design team, but my dream is to be the one who wrote the article next to it. Or the article on post partum depression or teen pregnancy or the next bestselling novel. It doesn't matter as long as I get to write.

It has been really hard to go through this at this age...I feel like this is what people just starting their adult life should feel like. I feel like I should have been ignoring dollar signs and going after dreams a long time ago, but obviously things work out the way they are supposed to. I finally felt good about this when I told my mom the other day about my latest plan. I thought she might have some trite comment or say "whatever makes you happy," but I was pleasantly surprised with her response. She had been watching what I had been doing for years, overachieving so I could have awesome jobs on resumes, making the best grades while working fulltime and chasing the money and that I had never allowed myself to follow an actual dream. She told me that she was so glad that I was taking time to explore this passion because if I didn't now, I might never (which triggered that creepy moment where you wonder what dreams your mom feels she sacrificed to do what she had to for you, but that's another post and another day). Anyway, her understanding and her genuine support have made me lock the self doubt up in a trunk and walk away. It is hard making it through classes and grading knowing that this new journey is so close, but I am trying to focus on the fruits of this one while I can. I am also letting students know that as the enter the workforce, there is always the chance I will be hitting them up for a job someday. You know, when this doesn't work out...there I go again