Friday, February 02, 2007

Write on!

It has been a long time since I posted, and I am sure that everyone has been absolutely devestated. Not much has been going on, but at the same time a whole lot has been going on. I have continued struggling to find out what I want to be when I grow up and feel I may have gotten a little closer. Teaching reading and writing is out, but doing reading and writing is in. I am having a hard time with this, but I have decided that after school ends, I am going to quit my job and try and write professionally.

Now in my head, this sounds ridiculous. I am not sure what it sounds like out loud to anyone else, but everyone has been supportive so far that I find myself able to tell. But the way I tell it is self defeating, like I know how dumb it sounds and so I try to cover it up with "and when that doesn't work I'll start grad school." I don't need a psychiatrist to tell me that I do stuff like that because I am afraid to fail in front of everyone and that I need to have the balls to just say "I am going to professionally write" and leave it at that. The upside is that my plan involves Dylan going to school parttime so two extra days a week we can chase butterflies or laugh at farts together and then the other three days I can give this a go. I am telling myself that so far I taken leaps of faith and never fallen on my face once. In fact, I am always amazed at how fate seems to shine on me and give me the best opportunities. I always end up at the right place at the right time, and there is no reason to believe writing can't end up the same way.

Except there are tons of reasons and they chase each other through my mind until I am dizzy and have to lay down. Ugh. The good news is that I've thought about every reason over and over and I am on the other end of it now. This is something I want to do. I see boodles wanting to see their scrap creation on the cover of CK or be on a design team, but my dream is to be the one who wrote the article next to it. Or the article on post partum depression or teen pregnancy or the next bestselling novel. It doesn't matter as long as I get to write.

It has been really hard to go through this at this age...I feel like this is what people just starting their adult life should feel like. I feel like I should have been ignoring dollar signs and going after dreams a long time ago, but obviously things work out the way they are supposed to. I finally felt good about this when I told my mom the other day about my latest plan. I thought she might have some trite comment or say "whatever makes you happy," but I was pleasantly surprised with her response. She had been watching what I had been doing for years, overachieving so I could have awesome jobs on resumes, making the best grades while working fulltime and chasing the money and that I had never allowed myself to follow an actual dream. She told me that she was so glad that I was taking time to explore this passion because if I didn't now, I might never (which triggered that creepy moment where you wonder what dreams your mom feels she sacrificed to do what she had to for you, but that's another post and another day). Anyway, her understanding and her genuine support have made me lock the self doubt up in a trunk and walk away. It is hard making it through classes and grading knowing that this new journey is so close, but I am trying to focus on the fruits of this one while I can. I am also letting students know that as the enter the workforce, there is always the chance I will be hitting them up for a job someday. You know, when this doesn't work out...there I go again

10 comments:

Kache said...

I say do what you want to do. If it's a strong enough thought to call it a dream then it's worth trying.
If I can ever narrow mine down I hope to try it out as well.

Lisa said...

So glad you've decided what it is that you want to pursue. You're an excellent writer and I have no doubt that you'll succeed.

And in the mean time, yay for having time to chase butterflies with Dylan!

shannon said...

good for you!
i'm so a negative nellie too. but be positive. and you have a bunch of boodles who will buy your book! ;o)
good luck with it!

Bobbie Sue said...

I am so proud of you for following your dream. I know you will do great because I love reading what you write. I can't wait to read whatever you decide to write!

Anonymous said...

Go for your dreams! Love reading your stuff. Looking forward to the first published piece of work!

Carrie

Heather said...

#1 biggest fan checking in...

as I've told you already, I'm so impressed and proud to have a friend like you. The courage it takes to do the things you have done is amazing, and I have no doubt you'll be amazing in everything you ever try to do...

love ya!

Susan said...

I think it's great and that you'll be great (I could use some creative writing lessons, huh?) Seriously, go for it!

Heather said...

yooooooohooooooooooooouuuuuuppppdaaaaaaaaateeeeeeeee

brandy said...

The recipe I am going to share with you today is about 350 years old! A great favourite from the Cape where the first brandy from Cape grapes were distilled in 1672! We have come a very long way since then when it comes to the quality of our brandy, but still, Cape Brandy Pudding remains an old time favourite :) Growing up in South Africa is great fun with all the recipes your mother makes and teaches you during your younger years!

Anonymous said...

It is similar to it.