Monday, April 16, 2007

i may have predicted the future...

i don't want to trivialize the goings on at virginia tech college today because that is absolutely tragic and those people are all in my thoughts, but coincidentally i had a school shooting dream saturday morning and the timing was a little creepy. definitely has me paying a little closer attention.

i have incredibly vivid dreams and this one was pretty darn intense. this weekend, i was in austin chaperoning a conference for the kids, so i did tell my roomie teacher about it saturday morning and i told my kids in first period before this all happened. in conclusion, not making it up.

in my dream, i was teaching a class and the kids were being disruptive. senioritis has totally set in, and in real life one of my girls who has been goody goody great all year has been sliding into crabby complainer cathy mode. in the dream she was doing it again:

me: "cathy, i need you to stop complaining and pay attention."
cathy: "i don't think i am going to be able to do that."
me: "if you don't stop talking, i am going to have to call for the asst principal."
cathy: "well i guess you are going to have to call for the asst principal."

each of the classrooms has a little panic button you can push for the ap's to come, and in the dream i push it and go back to teaching. when the door opens i casually look up expecting to see a puffy middle aged administrator in a tie and instead feel my bowels turn to ice as i take in the sight of two young men with machine guns. i drop to my stomach and as i repeat in my mind the act of contrition over and over like any recovering catholic schoolgirl in crisis ("oh my god i am heartily sorry, oh my god i am heartily sorry"), the boys enter.

in that moment i realize that the things that seemed so important minutes before meant absolutely nothing. my life is literally flashing before my eyes and i let the sound of repetitious prayer in my mind try to drown out the sounds of kids trying to scurry out behind the armed men and the squeals of terror fade as they escape. i am scared, terrified, but what is the point of indulging that? what will be, will be. the armed men appear to have their weapons drawn specifically to a small group of three and one of my students is trying to negotiate a peaceful end. i hear bits and pieces as i desperately pray. i am not praying for life because i've already accepted in those moments that my life is over and hopefully quickly and mercifully. faced with the afterlife i am depending on the little bit of religion that i know to attempt to avoid fire and brimstone. i am not sure what lies on the otherside, but just in case...i pray and i pray and i pray.

you know how you supposedly can't die in your dreams? i have before and lived to tell the tale, but when i tried to stay in the dream and not wake up so i could see what happened i just couldn't do it. for some reason, i am fairly certain i was going to die in it. i woke up at 5:35 a.m. in that hotel room in austin with my heart thudding heavily and a feeling of dread running through my body. schools are a scary place, the world is a scary place. i had that feeling saturday morning and when i glanced up at a television set this afternoon in the teacher's lounge, i had that feeling reinforced. those people are all in my thoughts...


Kache said...

That's way too spooky Brandy! The timing of it is eerie. I agree it would be very scary being a teacher!

Breana said... scray. what timing right.

i agree about schools, freaks the H**L out of me and Rylee's only in kinder! ugh.

shannon said...

how scary. i always worry bout my mom. she doesn't work in the safest of areas.
and omg, i saw testicles on a guy's car too! hilarious!