Saturday, August 16, 2008

The Return of Pimp and Ho and other adventures

I'll start with the breaking news. There have now been two new Pimp and Ho sightings. I saw them walking down the street the other day and was excited but yesterday was the sighting to top them all. We parked at the Walgreens across from the Jack in the Box they seem to do a lot of business in and they literally walked straight towards us. It was like seeing Amy Winehouse in the flesh, you want to know more. I was going into Walgreens, they were going to Walgreens and I totally stalked them in Walgreens. I want to know what makes this odd couple of business peeps tick. I thought he looked like 50 Cent from a distance but up close he had unruly chin hair and wild eyes. And she just looks like every dirty crusty McHerpes I ever saw in a real AA meeting (some of you may know what I mean). Pale, crusty skin and bleached dirty hair with two inches of black hair peeking through. I can see them on the top of a wedding cake now. I heard her say she needed tape for a window, some I assume some unruly john's had his head smashed in her window or shots were fired. Very cool, I am hip to the street.

Other than that excitement, not much going on. This is sort of a random post, I haven't taken pics really lately at the house because things are less life shattering. Are you interested in seeing ceiling fans hung? Trash thrown away? See, we're doing finishing work on a lot of things right now so I've been reluctant to post. But I will say this. The house is truly coming together. And it is awesome, I'm actually getting excited. I will take pics at the end of the weekend and update you to it all, I promise. Tile is going to begin laying today or tomorrow and that's some cool stuff.

And if you think I'm slowing down on my trips to Ikea, think again. We've been going, it's still been sucking. The highlight of that place is truly the $1 ice cream cone, but only on a self indulgent cheat day. Yesterday we went because somehow Jason had left the slats to a day bed we got for the guest room on the cart and we decided we wanted them since we paid for them. The bed itself is clever:

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It's a twin day bed but the bottom part pulls out like a trundle and is the same height, so it makes a queen or king size bed. So Andi, I got the hook up! And the bottom part is all drawers so it is like 3 gigantic drawers of storage for sheets and whatnot. I dig it. But those elusive slats, you gotta have them. 13 for the top bed, 12 for the bottom. $38 for the slats themselves because everything you buy at Ikea comes in three different boxes and for a $399 bed, that splits up to $38 dedicated to slats. And I get it, that's probably the highest quality product they have in the store because it is made of, drumroll please, actual wood. Not particle board. Not laminate. Real wood slats. Absorb that for a minute. So it's a sacrifice to possibly give them to us twice.

My perspective is this. Yes, we left them on the cart after we paid for them. Our bad. But here's where I was unwilling to waver, I have dedicated literally hours to fixing their screw ups. Figuring out which of the 150 kitchen parts was either missing or wrong. Realizing that the original lady messed up and ordered doors too long for drawers so that the kitchen had to be redesigned instead of waiting another month for doors. And yes, don't forget the time I've dedicated to trying to pay the credit card that no one wants to actually charge. And we're about $6K to them in this house already and remember, this is our second kitchen with them. So eff you, it is your turn to give me the benefit of the doubt that I am not a slat stealing slut and just me the slats. Jason's actually physically with me for this visit and I am trying to say all this in the nicest possible way.

There were two people helping us, the nicest lady ever and then the one who had all the control and an ax to grind. She, out of some principle unbeknownst to me, was not going to let me be the exception to The Rules. The Rules state that when things are left in the cart, they are signed in. The Rules assume all Ikea employees do their job and since I still haven't been charged for $5K worth of cabinets, I disagree. The Rules state if it isn't in said log, then video camera footage must be utilized. But she said I had waited too long, as if I couldn't leave my bong for the last 13 days and therefore couldn't be helped. I smiled and said that I knew that was awhile but unfortch we were trying to put together the $5k worth of cabinets and other $1k of misc Ikeaness and therefore this hadn't been realized until then. I want a supervisor, she wants my soul and at some point I break. Crap. Ikea won. I cried. I felt it coming up and gave Jason the look of panic and asked him to finish this while I went and grabbed the soda he wanted. See, I wanted to play nice and frankly Jason would have character assassinated this biznatch and made her regret ever living if given the chance. He can be mean and sometimes that rocks. But I tried to play nice and in the end I cried.

I went and took care of our other business and met up with him later. He of course got a supervisor who was supernice, gave him the slats immediately and the most joyous part was that Jason could see The Rule Enforcer and the supervisor talking and the Enforcer really wanted us to lose. This was war. But the supervisor told her to eff off I guess, we got the slats, and she walked away pissed as hell. That's how I like it. Too bad I know I'll prolly be back next week asking that skank for something else in the name of customer service. But the bed is together and it is pretty cool for what it is. It goes in the scrap room of joy and will be a great addition. Come stay sometime, we now have room for you!

I got a haircut. Most of you know this. I'm sort of shocked at how weird people are about stuff like that. I'll start by saying I love it and don't regret it for a sec. I like it when it is straight and I even like it when the humidity strikes and it is flippy all over the place. The reactions of others though... My mom gave me same freaked out face she did when she stepped into the tetanus land that was our new house for the first time. Why would you do that, she asks, as though I have chosen on a whim to amputate my thumbs. And everyone else has reacted in a range of ways from saying it is adorable to not saying much other than offering odd advice on how to take care of it like I am seeking guidance depsite the fact that I'm not wearing a "Help me" sign. I guess I surround myself with oddballs, lol. Today at Pablo's party, Gaby brought me her ten inches she cut months ago that's she's never gotten around to shipping off to Locks of Love so I can send them off together like a set of pigtails. Except hers is this gorgeous thick black braid and mine is bleh, processed (but still meets guidelines) and simply disappointing next to hers. Here I am in my glory.

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And I usually as a rule don't put scrappy stuff on here. If you're a fellow scrapper, you prolly see my stuff elsewhere so why do it here. This is a personality blog, so I usually stick to that. But I will make the exception this time to say that I am very excited about this kit at Simply Obsessed (www.simplyobsessed.com)and so impressed that this time around October Afternoon is ready to go right out of CHA. If you aren't set up to already get this kit, get your hands on it. I have this and all the add-ons on order. Now I will have to steal me more slats to pay for all of it since we are broke...kidding, of course, about the slats. I didn't take the effen slats.

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10 comments:

ellen said...

i almost peed myself when i saw you updated. i don't think i have ever met anyone outside my scary group of friends with a sense of humour like yours. um, that was a compliment.

i like the new do and i am cracking up at the fact that i am picturing you, with the new do, stalking an amy winehouse look-a-like and pimp bf in walgreens...what were they doing in there? probably buying slim jims and narcotics.

Michelle Lanning said...

LOL!! I love your blog! And lookie you posting a sb kit and all!!

shannon said...

cute do!
and yay on the locks of love..

Erika said...

I'm crying! Seriously crying cause I am laughing so hard. It is so much fun to read your rants! Now, next time act like the paparazzi and take a pic of the street walkers. Gotta love it.

Heather said...

love street walkers, and I rejoice in the skank at Ikea losing out... and still totally dig the hair... know all about weird comments... like my FIL telling me the instant I walked in the door that he didn't like it. nice. thank you.

Laura Vigliarolo said...

Love the new do. And your stories always make me laugh!!!!

Anonymous said...

Your new hair is adorable!

Carrie

Rita said...

I always love a new convert to the short hair club...and yours looks awesome!

You should write a book with Ikea shopping tips. You'd make a fortune...at least $38. :-)

Kory said...

Girl, you make my stomach hurt from laughing so much. I love the stories of pimp and ho! Oh, and I also love your new hairdo!

KJ said...

You never cease to crack me up. So glad you won the slat argument! Yay Jason for hangin' in there!! Love the new 'do!